the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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