God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
