Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
