life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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