WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
