What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
