Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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