I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
