I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
