So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My breasts were aching with rage.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
