Please, let me fuck your mom
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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