just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
