I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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