giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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