My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
