Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
