haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
