her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
