it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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