Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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