new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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