if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize