I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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