The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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