Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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