I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
