I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
