and my herpes radar will keep us safe
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
