i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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