Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
