it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
