sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
