We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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