Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
