is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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