She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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