while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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