I faked an abortion last night.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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