After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
