i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
