Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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