she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
