I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
