Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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