dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
