so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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