I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
