I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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