where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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