so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
