First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize