I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
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