So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
