A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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