u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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