dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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