Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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