Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
