The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
and she was petting her beer can
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He did a backflip because drugs
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
