very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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