she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Someone came in the potted fern
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
