can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
